#6 The Launch Triathalon

Hello parents!

I’m here once again bringing you the next installment in our popular Launching a Child series. Today’s column comes in the nick of time and is entitled “The Launch Triathalon” (or alternately titled "Trebuchet for Beginners").

Before we dive right in, first, I need to remind you of a core tenet in all of the Launching a Child columns, and that is, your child cannot launch themselves per se but must in fact, be launched! To be clear, your children can’t move on to the next stage of life or get out of high school, without you. You are the launcher and they, the launchee.

I think we’d all like to believe that because they can dress themselves (largely) independently, make grilled cheese sandwiches, join bands, baby sit, and - I am laughing somewhat hysterically right now - drive, that they can actually launch themselves.

This is untrue, parents! This is an urban legend most likely being promulgated by the former Bush Administration and something else called the World Wide Web! So listen up: You need to sharpen your #2 Ticonderoga pencils, grab the pens you’ve liberated from various Marriott hotels and heed these words of freedom.

As with most other things in America that once were good and sacred but have been ruined by hedge fund managers and BeeGees reunion concerts, the launch of your child really comes down to a paperwork grind. No, a stirring call to arms this is not, no Russell Crowe in a metal skirt deadpanning about freedom, but in fact, this is your challenge as an American parent, this final rite of passage for you and your progeny.

To truly launch your child out into this great United States of corporate-controlled America, you will need three very simple but vital skills, the trifecta of white-collar, late stage parenting, or the Launch Triathalon. This is the only way you will survive the tsunami or more appropriately, the oil spill, of paperwork coming your way.

A triathlon involves three events: the swim, the bike and the run. Our first skill in the launch, “the swim”, is Filling Out Forms.

And already, immediately I am sensing skepticism. You don’t believe me? You don’t believe me that Filling Out Forms is a vital skill in launching your child? Then just read on, skeptical and naïve American parent or you will sink helplessly in the mire of paperwork coming your way before you can snap your swim cap on.

This is an exhausting but not exhaustive list of just a few of the forms I have either completely or partially filled out or edited in the last six months alone for my graduating senior: check-out-the-college summer visit form, college application form, scholarship form, scholarship essay, transcript request form, college loan application, the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), college financial package revision form, tax information and W2 income confirmation form, field trip form, student fee form, verify-your-child-still-attends-school-here form, medical history form-college, medical history form and doctor’s physical-high school, immunization update form, graduation announcements form (Josten’s motto: “We still charge incredibly high prices and you are still buying our announcements!”) cap and gown form, senior culminating project form, summer job application forms, driver’s license form, new checking account form, check-out-the-college-you-selected-this-summer form, the AP test form and the list does go on.

Do you believe me now? Can you imagine where we’d be if in fact, I had not filled out or facilitating the filling out of these forms? Think through it closely now, parent, before you call me an overachieving soccer mom. No cap and gown? No scholarship essays? No college visits, stressful AP exams or summer jobs?! These are the benchmarks of a high senior’s last year!

Let’s assume for the sake of posterity that you do in fact agree that Form-filling skills are needed and you wade into the deep waters and begin the process. This would have only been a nice Olympic swim event if this next skill was not needed. We switch gears now from Michael Phelps to Lance Armstrong on the bike section and there are indeed many hills ahead.

What you need next are Releasing and Reattaching Money Skills (or ReaMs). Confused already? Let me explain.

Each of these many forms you have painstakingly filled out now needs to have money attached to it. That’s right! You need to learn to Release the Money then Reattach the Money. Don’t worry, you become quite comfortable being ReaMed as time goes on.

Some parents think they can only Release the Money but if it does not make it to the Form to be Reattached, then parents end up doing fun things with it like going out to dinner, buying drinks or in the case of some Money Releasement amounts, buying like, another house. Oh yes, dear frightened American parent, you thought raising a kid was expensive!

Most forms even stipulate how they want the money Reattached to the Form (checks, no staples, small paperclips…). While Form Filling Out is tiring, it is manageable. The ReaMing stage is distinguished by being fairly straightforward, not too time-consuming but extremely painful.

Now wait again, what’s that? Filling out forms and sending in checks? It seems so familiar? Why yes, actually, I experienced de ja vu my first time as well! It does sort of seem like maybe you’re turning your child over to the IRS!

To launch a child, it does come down to you Filling Out Forms and successfully Releasing and Reattaching Money to said form but this is not tax season although your money is in fact going to feel like it is flowing through a sieve! And yes, increasingly frustrated parent, I also agree that this is another plot of some kind that we can probably blame on socialism, the Greek economy, Microsoft or really, why not blame the Bush Administration again?

One last parting detail on Filling out the Forms and Releasing and Reattaching Money… (and this would be a really good time to acquaint yourself with the Internet or “Net” for short). Some of these forms do require you to have computer skills and the ability to ‘log-in’ to a ‘website’ of some kind. Once there, you’ll be asked to type answers into a long – of course - form, and then submit a credit card number for a varying amount of money, which could be anything from $7.50, $22.00, $250.00 or 75.00. These are just examples, but it can be much more!

Now finally, we’re done swimming and biking, time for the “run”, the end game and the tricky part. All of these websites require you to Create a User Name and Password or CUP, for short. These short phrases are notoriously impossible to store or keep track of. Lists are made and then lost, or worse yet, found by someone else!

What I suggest is don’t even try. What’s best is to figure something simple out, like using your first and last name and maybe 12345 for your password and then just using that every time instead of making a new one or getting ‘complicated’. It will be safe. Tell all your friends, especially your Facebook ones. Maybe include your credit card number too.

So there you have it, the Launch Triathalon: Filling out Forms, Releasing and Reattaching Money (ReaM), and Creating a Username and Password (CUP).

After almost 18 years of nurture, educational enrichment activities, angsty talks with school counselors, snack bars and juice boxes, it really comes down to filling in boxes, earning then spending money, using paper clips and trying to understand “the Web”. You heard it here first.

I’d go into greater detail but I have a form to fill out.