Hazel killed another squirrel today.
We went down to the park and I got lazy running while she was off-leash. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a black streak racing through the pine trees, Hazel in pure squirrel-chasing form and before I could get to her, the awful pathetic squeals squirrels make when they're dying.
Yes, it is awful.
Absolutely horrifying really, like watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom but instead, at your genteel neighborhood park in Spokane Washington, a place one hardly connects with the ruthless circle of life.
This has only happened once before at the park and I’ve been paranoid that if it happened again, someone would be nearby.
Aaaaaand, yes.
This time, Hazel caught the squirrel about twenty feet away from a fragile-looking lady with her smallish dog that was properly leashed-up. The woman looked like someone who'd been told by a therapist to take calming, noonday walks to alleviate stress. A quick glance in her direction gave every indication we had just set her back a good six months.
“Bad Hazel! Bad dog!” I yelled loudly while approaching, trying to give some impression that I might be in control as she gave the squirrel one last shake. While snapping on her leash, I scanned the perimeter to see how to make a getaway when squad cars came screaming in to block off my escape with Cujo.
The squirrel lay prone on the pine needles and grass on the ground. I used the poo bag to pick up the squirrel by the tail and walked awkwardly to the garbage can nearby. Can’t believe this is happening I hope the woman doesn’t faint or call the police or the City for real And I can’t afford a lawsuit and who would get sued anyhow me or Hazel And I’m so done with lawyers And I’m never running with Hazel at the park ever again And will never give her a treat-treat ever again ever And why did we get a dog anyhow I wish we still just had Fluffy although everyone says cats have more germs than dogs I own an animal that kills squirrels I don’t think the Olmsted Brothers envisioned this when they platted out our lovely Cannon Hill Park And are we a normal family anyhow?
The woman hadn’t moved other than to whisk her dog off the ground and clutch it closely to her chest. She was making small gasping noises, the kind people make when they're shocked but also passing judgment. Head down, I turned and left the park as anonymously as is possible in broad daylight with an eager, lunging dog.
Maybe I was reading it all entirely wrong I considered on the short walk home. Maybe this was a curious, sturdy woman, frightened, but intrigued and curious. Maybe her therapist, instead of caution, had told her to grab some life while she still could. Eat! Love! Pray! Observe Death!
Finally home, I turned the handle of our front door and walked inside. Hazel, wiggling, expected a treat. I knelt down, “No Hazel, not today,” I said out loud. I felt bad as she had no idea what she'd done wrong. In her world, she'd done just what she was supposed to do. Dogs don't really get the upside-down rules of city-living. Do people. Do I? “I think you scared the wee of out of that lady at the park today. You don't have as many germs as Fluffy but you sure get me into more trouble."
She wagged her tail, thoroughly happy of course, at whatever was going on around her: squirrels, no squirrels. Treats, no treats. It all seemed good in her book. And maybe, it should be in my book too.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
#6 The Launch Triathalon
Hello parents!
I’m here once again bringing you the next installment in our popular Launching a Child series. Today’s column comes in the nick of time and is entitled “The Launch Triathalon” (or alternately titled "Trebuchet for Beginners").
Before we dive right in, first, I need to remind you of a core tenet in all of the Launching a Child columns, and that is, your child cannot launch themselves per se but must in fact, be launched! To be clear, your children can’t move on to the next stage of life or get out of high school, without you. You are the launcher and they, the launchee.
I think we’d all like to believe that because they can dress themselves (largely) independently, make grilled cheese sandwiches, join bands, baby sit, and - I am laughing somewhat hysterically right now - drive, that they can actually launch themselves.
This is untrue, parents! This is an urban legend most likely being promulgated by the former Bush Administration and something else called the World Wide Web! So listen up: You need to sharpen your #2 Ticonderoga pencils, grab the pens you’ve liberated from various Marriott hotels and heed these words of freedom.
As with most other things in America that once were good and sacred but have been ruined by hedge fund managers and BeeGees reunion concerts, the launch of your child really comes down to a paperwork grind. No, a stirring call to arms this is not, no Russell Crowe in a metal skirt deadpanning about freedom, but in fact, this is your challenge as an American parent, this final rite of passage for you and your progeny.
To truly launch your child out into this great United States of corporate-controlled America, you will need three very simple but vital skills, the trifecta of white-collar, late stage parenting, or the Launch Triathalon. This is the only way you will survive the tsunami or more appropriately, the oil spill, of paperwork coming your way.
A triathlon involves three events: the swim, the bike and the run. Our first skill in the launch, “the swim”, is Filling Out Forms.
And already, immediately I am sensing skepticism. You don’t believe me? You don’t believe me that Filling Out Forms is a vital skill in launching your child? Then just read on, skeptical and naïve American parent or you will sink helplessly in the mire of paperwork coming your way before you can snap your swim cap on.
This is an exhausting but not exhaustive list of just a few of the forms I have either completely or partially filled out or edited in the last six months alone for my graduating senior: check-out-the-college summer visit form, college application form, scholarship form, scholarship essay, transcript request form, college loan application, the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), college financial package revision form, tax information and W2 income confirmation form, field trip form, student fee form, verify-your-child-still-attends-school-here form, medical history form-college, medical history form and doctor’s physical-high school, immunization update form, graduation announcements form (Josten’s motto: “We still charge incredibly high prices and you are still buying our announcements!”) cap and gown form, senior culminating project form, summer job application forms, driver’s license form, new checking account form, check-out-the-college-you-selected-this-summer form, the AP test form and the list does go on.
Do you believe me now? Can you imagine where we’d be if in fact, I had not filled out or facilitating the filling out of these forms? Think through it closely now, parent, before you call me an overachieving soccer mom. No cap and gown? No scholarship essays? No college visits, stressful AP exams or summer jobs?! These are the benchmarks of a high senior’s last year!
Let’s assume for the sake of posterity that you do in fact agree that Form-filling skills are needed and you wade into the deep waters and begin the process. This would have only been a nice Olympic swim event if this next skill was not needed. We switch gears now from Michael Phelps to Lance Armstrong on the bike section and there are indeed many hills ahead.
What you need next are Releasing and Reattaching Money Skills (or ReaMs). Confused already? Let me explain.
Each of these many forms you have painstakingly filled out now needs to have money attached to it. That’s right! You need to learn to Release the Money then Reattach the Money. Don’t worry, you become quite comfortable being ReaMed as time goes on.
Some parents think they can only Release the Money but if it does not make it to the Form to be Reattached, then parents end up doing fun things with it like going out to dinner, buying drinks or in the case of some Money Releasement amounts, buying like, another house. Oh yes, dear frightened American parent, you thought raising a kid was expensive!
Most forms even stipulate how they want the money Reattached to the Form (checks, no staples, small paperclips…). While Form Filling Out is tiring, it is manageable. The ReaMing stage is distinguished by being fairly straightforward, not too time-consuming but extremely painful.
Now wait again, what’s that? Filling out forms and sending in checks? It seems so familiar? Why yes, actually, I experienced de ja vu my first time as well! It does sort of seem like maybe you’re turning your child over to the IRS!
To launch a child, it does come down to you Filling Out Forms and successfully Releasing and Reattaching Money to said form but this is not tax season although your money is in fact going to feel like it is flowing through a sieve! And yes, increasingly frustrated parent, I also agree that this is another plot of some kind that we can probably blame on socialism, the Greek economy, Microsoft or really, why not blame the Bush Administration again?
One last parting detail on Filling out the Forms and Releasing and Reattaching Money… (and this would be a really good time to acquaint yourself with the Internet or “Net” for short). Some of these forms do require you to have computer skills and the ability to ‘log-in’ to a ‘website’ of some kind. Once there, you’ll be asked to type answers into a long – of course - form, and then submit a credit card number for a varying amount of money, which could be anything from $7.50, $22.00, $250.00 or 75.00. These are just examples, but it can be much more!
Now finally, we’re done swimming and biking, time for the “run”, the end game and the tricky part. All of these websites require you to Create a User Name and Password or CUP, for short. These short phrases are notoriously impossible to store or keep track of. Lists are made and then lost, or worse yet, found by someone else!
What I suggest is don’t even try. What’s best is to figure something simple out, like using your first and last name and maybe 12345 for your password and then just using that every time instead of making a new one or getting ‘complicated’. It will be safe. Tell all your friends, especially your Facebook ones. Maybe include your credit card number too.
So there you have it, the Launch Triathalon: Filling out Forms, Releasing and Reattaching Money (ReaM), and Creating a Username and Password (CUP).
After almost 18 years of nurture, educational enrichment activities, angsty talks with school counselors, snack bars and juice boxes, it really comes down to filling in boxes, earning then spending money, using paper clips and trying to understand “the Web”. You heard it here first.
I’d go into greater detail but I have a form to fill out.
I’m here once again bringing you the next installment in our popular Launching a Child series. Today’s column comes in the nick of time and is entitled “The Launch Triathalon” (or alternately titled "Trebuchet for Beginners").
Before we dive right in, first, I need to remind you of a core tenet in all of the Launching a Child columns, and that is, your child cannot launch themselves per se but must in fact, be launched! To be clear, your children can’t move on to the next stage of life or get out of high school, without you. You are the launcher and they, the launchee.
I think we’d all like to believe that because they can dress themselves (largely) independently, make grilled cheese sandwiches, join bands, baby sit, and - I am laughing somewhat hysterically right now - drive, that they can actually launch themselves.
This is untrue, parents! This is an urban legend most likely being promulgated by the former Bush Administration and something else called the World Wide Web! So listen up: You need to sharpen your #2 Ticonderoga pencils, grab the pens you’ve liberated from various Marriott hotels and heed these words of freedom.
As with most other things in America that once were good and sacred but have been ruined by hedge fund managers and BeeGees reunion concerts, the launch of your child really comes down to a paperwork grind. No, a stirring call to arms this is not, no Russell Crowe in a metal skirt deadpanning about freedom, but in fact, this is your challenge as an American parent, this final rite of passage for you and your progeny.
To truly launch your child out into this great United States of corporate-controlled America, you will need three very simple but vital skills, the trifecta of white-collar, late stage parenting, or the Launch Triathalon. This is the only way you will survive the tsunami or more appropriately, the oil spill, of paperwork coming your way.
A triathlon involves three events: the swim, the bike and the run. Our first skill in the launch, “the swim”, is Filling Out Forms.
And already, immediately I am sensing skepticism. You don’t believe me? You don’t believe me that Filling Out Forms is a vital skill in launching your child? Then just read on, skeptical and naïve American parent or you will sink helplessly in the mire of paperwork coming your way before you can snap your swim cap on.
This is an exhausting but not exhaustive list of just a few of the forms I have either completely or partially filled out or edited in the last six months alone for my graduating senior: check-out-the-college summer visit form, college application form, scholarship form, scholarship essay, transcript request form, college loan application, the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), college financial package revision form, tax information and W2 income confirmation form, field trip form, student fee form, verify-your-child-still-attends-school-here form, medical history form-college, medical history form and doctor’s physical-high school, immunization update form, graduation announcements form (Josten’s motto: “We still charge incredibly high prices and you are still buying our announcements!”) cap and gown form, senior culminating project form, summer job application forms, driver’s license form, new checking account form, check-out-the-college-you-selected-this-summer form, the AP test form and the list does go on.
Do you believe me now? Can you imagine where we’d be if in fact, I had not filled out or facilitating the filling out of these forms? Think through it closely now, parent, before you call me an overachieving soccer mom. No cap and gown? No scholarship essays? No college visits, stressful AP exams or summer jobs?! These are the benchmarks of a high senior’s last year!
Let’s assume for the sake of posterity that you do in fact agree that Form-filling skills are needed and you wade into the deep waters and begin the process. This would have only been a nice Olympic swim event if this next skill was not needed. We switch gears now from Michael Phelps to Lance Armstrong on the bike section and there are indeed many hills ahead.
What you need next are Releasing and Reattaching Money Skills (or ReaMs). Confused already? Let me explain.
Each of these many forms you have painstakingly filled out now needs to have money attached to it. That’s right! You need to learn to Release the Money then Reattach the Money. Don’t worry, you become quite comfortable being ReaMed as time goes on.
Some parents think they can only Release the Money but if it does not make it to the Form to be Reattached, then parents end up doing fun things with it like going out to dinner, buying drinks or in the case of some Money Releasement amounts, buying like, another house. Oh yes, dear frightened American parent, you thought raising a kid was expensive!
Most forms even stipulate how they want the money Reattached to the Form (checks, no staples, small paperclips…). While Form Filling Out is tiring, it is manageable. The ReaMing stage is distinguished by being fairly straightforward, not too time-consuming but extremely painful.
Now wait again, what’s that? Filling out forms and sending in checks? It seems so familiar? Why yes, actually, I experienced de ja vu my first time as well! It does sort of seem like maybe you’re turning your child over to the IRS!
To launch a child, it does come down to you Filling Out Forms and successfully Releasing and Reattaching Money to said form but this is not tax season although your money is in fact going to feel like it is flowing through a sieve! And yes, increasingly frustrated parent, I also agree that this is another plot of some kind that we can probably blame on socialism, the Greek economy, Microsoft or really, why not blame the Bush Administration again?
One last parting detail on Filling out the Forms and Releasing and Reattaching Money… (and this would be a really good time to acquaint yourself with the Internet or “Net” for short). Some of these forms do require you to have computer skills and the ability to ‘log-in’ to a ‘website’ of some kind. Once there, you’ll be asked to type answers into a long – of course - form, and then submit a credit card number for a varying amount of money, which could be anything from $7.50, $22.00, $250.00 or 75.00. These are just examples, but it can be much more!
Now finally, we’re done swimming and biking, time for the “run”, the end game and the tricky part. All of these websites require you to Create a User Name and Password or CUP, for short. These short phrases are notoriously impossible to store or keep track of. Lists are made and then lost, or worse yet, found by someone else!
What I suggest is don’t even try. What’s best is to figure something simple out, like using your first and last name and maybe 12345 for your password and then just using that every time instead of making a new one or getting ‘complicated’. It will be safe. Tell all your friends, especially your Facebook ones. Maybe include your credit card number too.
So there you have it, the Launch Triathalon: Filling out Forms, Releasing and Reattaching Money (ReaM), and Creating a Username and Password (CUP).
After almost 18 years of nurture, educational enrichment activities, angsty talks with school counselors, snack bars and juice boxes, it really comes down to filling in boxes, earning then spending money, using paper clips and trying to understand “the Web”. You heard it here first.
I’d go into greater detail but I have a form to fill out.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
#5 This is a Day Timer
I use this ancient method to keep track of appointments. Today, Tuesday February 23, 2010, we meet with our former partner and make the last payment on his buy-out. Done. Over. Fini. So wonderful but also like having a date with a Sith Lord on the books.
Love and anger seem the fuel of poetry or, at least cheap doggerel.
Out to Pasture
Well, old Frank, you creepy codger
Today we rid you from our ledger.
The last five years we’ve been paired
Have been so much worse than we ever dared.
Had we known sooner you were mental
Maybe we would have quit and rented
A little shack on a beach in Maui
And sold lemonade to all the haoles.
Where do I start with your indiscretions?
The list is long; I’ll need libations
To keep me fresh as I recite the tome
Of your crazy deeds that begin alone
With the day I met you at a meeting
Secretly I had been seething
At the amount of time the speaker’d taken
To discuss the over-valuation
Of a company selling school lunch trays
By then I know my eyes were glazed
And needing something to pass the time
It was then, dear Frank, you happened by.
“Are you the lady who owns a business
That needs a partner on commission?”
“That would be me,” I smiled and extended
My hand to the man who blended
Old school wit with folksy charm
Nothing yet to raise alarm.
We spent two months just business dating
Understanding the problems facing
Our business needs; hopes were great.
“He’s come along in time; why wait?!”
We made some calls; all good it seemed
Only one alone said, “ He’s not that clean.”
“What could be wrong?” we thought. ”How bad
Could it be; he looks like Dad!”
Then days stretched into weeks and months
It wasn’t long before we had a hunch
He wasn’t really all that aware
Of how business worked out there.
Oh, he understood things as if he’d been
Locked in a time ruled just by men.
He used to talk about all the ladies
Popping from cakes in the roaring 80’s
The frolicking, chasing, outright boasting
Of office trysts, make Tiger-roasting
Seem a warm-up act for this old geezer
Grandpa posing as a sexed-up loser.
“I miss those days,” he’d muse and moan
In shock all we could do was groan
And realize too late how much we’d missed
During our shoddy due diligence.
So to you, we were wedded by our stock
Ink was dry; too late to rock
The boat or change direction
To act on doubts and premonitions
That our new partner wasn’t a gent
But a nasty leprechaun instead.
By luck, grace and divine intervention
We found a way to unwind our relation
This, our last day of entanglement,
So happy are we to end this stint
In business boot camp, five years hard labor
We know now how to be more stable
So old Frank, your time has passed
For us, for others, it’s really quite sad
To think of all that has been lost
No one today can afford the cost
Of protecting someone just out to win
Especially if the price is in
The ruined wreckage laid bare to see
In lives, in dreams that will never be.
For us, we’re whole and stronger still
And I can guarantee that we will
Never again be quite that blind
Free today. So long, good-bye.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
#4 This is Fabric
Random numerical highlights of life
- 1 friend is having a baby and his name is Dean which rhymes with bean. I am making him 1 blanket out of 2 different fabrics.
- Today marks 421 days of uterus-free living and I’m not sure yet how I feel about that.
- 30 uterus years + 1 husband = 2 kids who are in the the 11th and 12th grades.
- 2 adults and 2 teenagers which equals 4 people are all hanging out together right now in our living room which is about 10’x15’. We are not hungry. Hazel is asleep.
- 5 containers of leftovers were finished at dinner tonight.
- 219 pennies spent on a pretzel and water I split with E. We ate at 4:15.
- Display House is at 4478 E. Sprague where we stopped to buy 1 wig for E's costume party. She will be Cruela deVille. 101 Dalmatians. She will be 1 cute Cruela.
- IKEA has 4 letters in its name. Trader Joe's has 10. There is 1 TJ's distribution center being built in Everett. 20+ new TJ's will be built in the NW in the next 5 years.
- 11 books lying on or around the coffee table that my feet are resting on. One is called The Wordy Shipmates by Sarah Vowell and is about the Puritans landing in America in the 1600’s. It’s overdue at the library. The fine will be 75 cents.
- The numbers on our house are 603. It is 1.4 miles to the library and 1.5 miles to Aunties Bookstore.
- We replaced 3 couch cushions in our basement couch. It’s 53 years old, vintage and has street value.
- In 10 years I will be 53 and my girls might be married. With kids.
- Today is my Mom's 70th birthday. I have 1 step-dad, 1 brother, 1 step-sister, 4 aunts, 1 living uncle, 3 cousins, 2 nieces, 2 nephews, many in-laws, a family.
- My favorite number is 6 which was Steve Garvey’s number when he played for the Dodgers. One year I made a costume of his jersey for Halloween which is on 10/31 ever year.
- I am flying to LA next weekend on Flight #2234 to visit my friend Jenn. Who is having a baby. His name is Dean.
Monday, February 8, 2010
#3 This is a Manila Folder
This is a manilla folder. Until last Thursday, it held copies of the contract I was working on. Now, il est vide, it is empty and our 'new' partner has changed his mind. Actually, he changed his mind about a lot of things and decided February was a great month to have a mid-life crisis. This experience helped bring into sharp focus what I want to do next in my career. I'm really grateful to have met you both even thought things didn't work out. Awesome, loser. Moving on...
Ode to That Old Young Man From Idaho
I’ll miss the bygone days of yore
when your emails held in store
the promise of hope and revenue
but now I only have the view
of the speed-dial space where your name is missing
but then inside I think I’m sensing
We aren’t probably missing much
You didn’t really have the touch
Or the edge or guts, wits or passion
You seemed confused about our mission
To build a company that will last
You just seemed to want a pass
On working hard from dawn ‘til dusk
Your feet have begun to rust
From sitting and staring at your navel
Contemplating life as it unravels
Regaling us with stories of old
Of attending meetings and counting gold.
So now that we have parted ways
You can finally have back your days
Of life and leisure and making babies
We refocus on what mainly
Keeps us happy at this dance
Old young man, you missed your chance.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
#2 This is a Contract
I've spent the past 2 months working on this contract. Contracts cost $$ to get produced, like most things do. We're dating business partners right now and this is the marriage license. This isn't what I thought I'd be doing when I was 43. Life is quite interesting that way.
Actually, contracts are somewhat intriguing. It’s one of the things I’ve actually enjoyed about this adventure of owning a business. There's some elegant writing in most of them, and if you need a break from the sheer thrill of cold calling, believe me, there is always a contract that needs reading.
The first section of this particular contract after the opening paragraph is entitled “Article 1. Background and Definitions.” The last, simply stated, is “10.5 Entire Agreement”. That is sort of the boilerplate ending section for most contracts. After that, two signature blocks at the bottom for everyone to sign-off.
So as a grown-up, I’m learning a great deal about contracts and the patience, the incredible patience, that is required in taking the time up-front to do them right. As with marriages, sometimes business relationships unfold. You open the filing cabinet, dust off your contract and hope and pray you did it right, that your now ex-partner didn’t push you too hard to put in that section about a pay-out and that you had the wisdom to listen to your counsel. (That’s a word for lawyer or attorney, by the way. Just like in the movies. As in, “Let’s check with our counsel on that,” in which they reply, “That will be $250.”)
And yes, we have way too much counsel right now. I am thinking the next time I have to pee I will need to first consult with the Pee Counsel. I am exaggerating but not a whole lot… employment law counsel, trademark counsel, corporate counsel, tax counsel, patent law counsel… Sometimes I imagine that they all get together in their fancy offices, throw our money up in the air and laugh hysterically that we’re still falling for the same racket after all these years.
Anyway, I wish I could say I’m doing things right this time and it is just going to work out swell with our new partners but the reality is, we’ve learned this the hard way. We had a contract with a former partner that had language we didn’t understand but didn’t take the time to figure it out. Part of this is because obviously when you’re doing a contract, there is a reason. Usually, money is involved. And time. And therefore, pressure. So you’re pressured to get it done fast and in this instance, we did. As that partnership deteriorated, we got to face two years of nasty exchanges that ultimately involved even more new counsel (litigation counsel, arbitration counsel…) who found ways to charge even more insanely high hourly rates. We are hoping we’ve learned our lessons this time.
These are nice folks, these potential partners, who seem interested in just doing a good deal and making money. Honest, through the front door, straight-up. I can live with that so I’m taking the time to do this contract because I think in the long run, we won’t have to pull it out again to set things straight.
So, my mind is spinning with legalese and I wonder at times, “How did I ever get here?” This isn’t really what I thought I’d be doing at 43, it’s true, but neither was that poor Michael Corleone. I’m watching The Godfather Part ll and you know, he just never got respectable like his wife kept wanting him to. Bedroom shootings, constant threats on his life, then him constantly shooting people which had to contribute to that awful, baggy-eyed look that said, “I am sure am not getting enough sleep around here.” I don’t think when he came back all fresh-faced at 22 from Dartmouth and the military, that he envisioned someday taking over his father’s mafia empire, even if his dad was Marlon Brando. What a helluva midlife crisis to have.
So, I guess my lesson learned is, life sometimes throws you a curve ball and you make the best of it. I didn’t really set out eight years ago to learn about contracts and litigation and employment law but here I am. Actually, I didn’t really set out eight years ago to do much of anything but survive. And I sort of think that’s how it ends up working for a lot of us which I think is much more respectable than most of us give ourselves credit for.
“So, is it a deal?”
“Si.”
Ciao.
#1 This is Hazel
#1 She came into our life 18 months ago. She chases squirrels, doesn’t bark, chew or rip up furniture. She bakes cookies. Well, not really because she won’t even come in the kitchen. She heels, runs with us off leash, finds her way home. To us. She's our amazing pound puppy, Hazel the Wonder Dog.
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